Empowered by Love to gather, strengthen and mobilize
Growing up as a child, my parents were constantly fighting. My sisters and I were always being put down, and there was no support for anything we did. I only remember bits and pieces of the things that happened to me. What I do remember, is seeing my older sister being verbally/physically abused. Seeing that did a lot of damage to me, mentally, and emotionally. I struggled trying to find who I was. During that struggle I started cutting myself, while listening to heavy metal music. The only good thing that happened during all this, was that my mother started reading the Bible. This got me into it until I accepted Christ into my heart. Â
I came across a verse in the Bible that said, "I knew you before you were born". When I read this, my love for God turned to anger, and hate. I thought, "How could You put me through this? I thought You were love?" These feeling went on for 2 or more years. I had bitterness, and even murder in my heart...this started to really scare me. I felt that I was never going to love God again, nor be loved by Him, either.
I started to pray each day, asking God to help me and forgive me. I was still struggling. I even got to the point, that I started starving myself and not taking care of me, just so I could die. At this point, I told God, "If you want me here, You're going to have to send someone into my life who will truly love me...for me." That's when He brought my husband Brian into my life.
So, by being persistent in prayer. God had finally answered my prayers! Hallelujah!! Â After I had been with my husband awhile, I believe God put on my heart to ask Brian about the dreams I had been having. In my dreams, I could only see my fathers face...not my husbands or the face of anyone else. He began to explain to me how that could be a sign of being molested (as he had been molested as a child). Finally someone who understood! My dreams started to turn normal.
Now, I'm starting a whole new life with God. He has helped me conquer cutting myself, listening to heavy metal music, feelings of low self-esteem, and so much more. I can't write about all of the wonderful things that He has done for me! I know God and I still have work to do. But, God's not done with me yet!
As far as forgiveness goes. God is still working on me with that. I can forgive my family when they are not around, because thats easy. But sometime I will need to see them face to face... that's the part where God's going to have to help me. I know He wants me to be healed completely. I also know that I CAN do all things through Christ, who strengthens me! Amen