Empowered by Love to gather, strengthen and mobilize
Four years ago, I was angry all the time. Nothing seemed to be going right for me. My husband, Joe and I were having problems with the kids, and we were drifting further apart. I had a hard time believing that prayer answered ANYTHING. As a matter of fact, I was certain that God had turned His back on me...if He existed at all. That anger just kept building until I imploded. I couldn't seem to put anything back together. I saw no way out of the darkness and immense pain I had fallen into.
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On Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend 2005, I sat in the bathroom with a bottle of pain pills in my hand, thinking that I had found a way to end it.. No more problems, no more pain. Just as I was getting up the nerve to do it, my daughter knocked on the door. It was enough to stop me. I looked at her face and realized I couldn't do that to her. I personally knew the guilt of feeling like you should have been able stop someone from destroying themselves. I'd gone through that with my mom. I couldn't do that to my own kids.
On Sunday, I chaperoned the parade that my son, Chris, was marching in. Joe was working and I needed to keep busy. While the band director and I were waiting for the last of the kids to get picked up, the subject of blessing yourself came up. He wanted to know why Catholics blessed themselves. I explained it and he asked if that's what I did when I prayed. I told him that I hadn't prayed in a long time, because I was too angry. He responded that when he was angry thats when he prayed the most! I quickly changed the subject. However, on the ride home, that comment kept playing in my head "When I'm angry thats when I pray the most".
At home, I started dinner and all I could think of was his comment. So, when I took Angela and Chris to Mass that evening, I knelt down, blessed myself and got about halfway through the Lord's Prayer before I stoppedwas there really a God? If He was there, I was certain He had turned His back on me. I looked up at the crucifix and started praying again. I dared God to prove He existed. But I didn't stop there. I proceeded to tell Him that He stunk at His job! My life should not be filled with the immense pain that it was...He should have taken better care of things. When I finished, I sat back in the pew and thought. That was foolish. Gods not there, and even if He is, He isn't listening to me". I half expected an earthquake or something to happen, because of what I said must have angered God. But nothing happened. Not right then, anyway.Â
The next morning, as I was heading to the Lakeville T stop to catch the train to work, it started snowingbig, fluffy snowflakes hitting the headlights and I thought "how beautiful" and I smiled. Then I started crying because I couldn't remember the last time I'd noticed anything beautiful and smiled at it. I started praying again (twice in 24 hours!). I felt God's presence that morning. He was answering me from the night before when I asked Him to prove His existence. He wasn't angry...the Lord was touching my heart with such love that all I wanted was to get to know Him better! He began helping me find my way to Him. Healing my heart, my marriage and working in my childrens lives in ways I never thought possible.
Every day brings me closer to my Father. Hes guiding my life to where it needs to be... confirming and convicting my
heart. Im confident now that no matter what happens, God will stand with me, because I've made the
intentional decision to stand with Him.
You see, that snowy morning, I realized that He'd never turned His back on me, I turned MY back on HIM.
He was simply waiting for me to turn around. I know that Hes with me now in everything.
If I just reach out to Him, He'll be there- my Comforter-my Protector.Â